It’s cold, it’s dark and I’m alone. I have a few hours till my bus arrive but for the time being I’m stuck downtown. To escape the cold I hold myself up in a nearby hotel. Three in fact, connected by a bridge that we call the sky walk. It may be quiet the attraction for out-of-towners but to me it was a place to keep warm. Something a few others had already figured out. It seemed selfish to compare my problems to theirs, so I didn’t bother. I may not have been happy with my home life but at least I had a home to go home to. The sky walk wasn’t exactly secluded but if the patrollers were somewhere else you could lay your head down for a few minutes, maybe even an hour if the night went your way. This was almost always the scenario after church night, a few hours of joy followed by a night of depression.
As the families would pair off and go home I would be left the same way I came in…alone.
It’s hard to say why exactly the night gripped me this way, what’s worse is I would see this coming. No matter how good the service was like all good things it would end. As the families would pair off and go home I would be left the same way I came in…alone. I know I know it’s not technically accurate. I have Jesus Christ as my savior so how can I be lonely? That could have been the one of the worst part of this weekly ritual, knowing that what I was feeling was a deception. A lie told by my enemy that I would remain alone until a die. That it was too late for me, or that all prayer was futile. In the mist of fighting these demons that I refuse to claim as my own. I know better, that is I know that no person is meant to take all my problems away. And that true loneliness is separation from God, even If you find yourself surrounded by love ones who want the best for you, they simply cannot give you what’s best.No human could, I know that. So despite all this knowledge why do I find myself hiding in a corner trying not to fall apart?
So despite all this knowledge why do I find myself hiding in a corner trying not to fall apart?
Reflection can be a good thing, a time to look at your life from a new perspective, edit some some of your future plans so as to not repeat past mistakes. I’ve made good decisions based past experience. Unfortunately self-examination is not always time well spent, especially if you’re looking through a crooked lens.
…instead of waiting to be broken I would do it myself and let God pick up the pieces.
Like many I’d rob myself of joy when comparing my blessings and situation with others. It may have been because some were fourchainit enough to be brought up in a two parent home, and now replicated that same fortune into their lives. It may have been because they had more money and all in all had their life together (at least compared to mine). It wasn’t as if I thought God favored them over me but that I wasn’t as deserving of that high of a blessing. I knew I wasn’t doing everything right so perhaps God’s promises were kept on hold. I’m not where I’d thought I’d be 10, or even 5 years ago. Day by day I feel further away from anything that looks like a master plan. It was in those moments that I tried to hold on or rather put on a strong face for….myself? And then I had a thought, not very ground breaking so apologies if this doesn’t wow anybody but myself; I’d decided I would just break.. There was a song that came to mind, christian but necessarily gospel. it’s called the art of breaking. My thinking was maybe I didn’t need to pretend with God that I was hurting. It was foolish to believe I could in any wise, he knows my struggles even when I’m in denial of them. So instead of waiting to be broken I would do it myself and let God pick up the pieces. I had forgotten who he was to me, so focus on my pain I’d forgot to make good use of it. When your hurt your instinct is to find a remedy, a way to take away the pain. Pain can be used to grow but also lead to healing. Something we always were in need of but just couldn’t always feel the symptoms. My God’s offers comfort if I only let myself be comforted. This wasn’t so much as finding happiness but rather hope. Hope that my God will provide for my needs, faith that my greatest need is already met, and a broken heart is temporary at best, but through the tears of pain and heartache I found joy.
